You have just experienced the “dark” side of me. I tend to disappear, for months or even years at a time. I beat myself into a major guilt frenzy because I think I have let you down. Sometimes it’s because I stood you up at the coffee shop . Or I ignored your email asking me for a favor. Maybe I feel like a failure with my family or at work. Whatever the reason—real or imagined—there’s a monster in my head saying I’m not good enough.
So I just disappear into a black hole, which makes me feel even more guilt, which makes me dig an even deeper hole, which makes me … well, you get the vicious cycle picture.
At times I have allowed this monster to get the best of me, and I never re-establish contact with friends because of my guilt about letting myself and everyone else down. The dead remains of warm friendships litter the countryside, and I hope a dozen or more people have long since quit wondering what they did to deserve my never, ever returning their phone calls:
Where have you been?
Are you okay?
I’m worried about you.
Did I do something to make you mad?
With each email or phone message, it becomes harder to explain my silence, and now I feel it is impossible to climb out of that deep, dark hole. It’s too hard to say, “It’s me. I’m sorry I haven’t called.” I tell myself that you wouldn’t understand, and refuse to believe that good friends would welcome me back into the friendship.
Do you feel like you have let Jesus down? Can’t seem to get control over some behavior? We all do. Arrogance, anger, abortion; drugs, deceit, doubt; gossip, greed, and gluttony—we’re all guilty of something (Romans 3:23).
If you feel like you’re not worthy of God’s friendship and love, Jesus wants to banish that monster in your head. He is waiting for you (Matt. 11:28-30). He wants to be your friend (John 15:15). Peter, one of his closest friends, let him down. Yet, Jesus forgave Peter and gave him a second chance. Jesus loves us and welcomes us back, just as we are (Luke 7:37-47).
Today is the day I’m crawling out of that hole. I’m making that attempt to say I’m sorry I let you down. I’m shining the light on my dark side and banishing the “Disappearing into the Darkness” monster.
Will you forgive me?
Yes, he does.
(1 John 1:9)